30 July 2007

Monday Motivation

29 July 2007

Bond VS Bourne

(From a comment at The Headmistress's site.)


The first movie I ever saw in a theater was “Diamonds Are Forever”, and I have been a fan ever since.

Plenty O'Toole?? hubba hubba....

I thought “Casino Royale” was pretty good because it was closer to the book than most other Bond films. And I have read all of Ian Fleming’s Bond books.

“On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” sucked ass ‘cause Lazenby made Bond look like a limey poofter.

Paul Greengrass, Damon’s director on Universal’s “Bourne Ultimatum” and its 2004 predecessor, “The Bourne Supremacy,” agreed that Bond is a relic from a different era.

I wouldn’t give Paul Grabass the sweat off of my balls if he were dying of dehydration.

”...Bond is a relic from a different era."

An era when men were men and not metrosexual pussies.

“He’s an insider.

Best place to be when the shit hits the fan. You’re in a position to do something about it, because that’s what men do. From The RetroSexual Code:

3: A Retrosexual DEALS WITH SHIT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

Whereas, Grabass will be hiding behind mommy’s skirt hoping for a real man to save his sorry ass.

He likes being a secret agent.

What red blooded boy didn’t want to be a secret agent.

He worships at the altar of technology. He loves his gadgets. And he embodies this whole set of misogynistic values...

Sounds like part of the “Man” job description to me. Just take a man to the electronics or the hardware section, and he’ll be like a kid on Christmas morning. Get him close to a hot sports car, and he’ll have visions of himself and (insert smoking hot chick of choice here) blasting down the highway. Comes with the testicles. But I guess Grabass ain’t got none of those.

He likes violence. He has no guilt.

If this cluefucked walking afterbirth knew anything about Bond, he’d know that Bond doesn’t like violence. He knows when it’s called for and happens to be very good at it. And when you’re in Bond’s line of work, you can’t sit around and second guess yourself and get all pussified because you had to put a bullet between the eyes of someone who deserved it.

Personally, I spit on those values.

Personally, I shit on you and all who think like you.

I think we’ve moved on a little bit from all that, the martini shaken, not stirred.

Bond is “an imperialist and he’s a misogynist. He kills people and laughs and sips martinis and wisecracks about it,” Damon, 36, told The Associated Press in an interview.

Now I know these poofters, Dumbass, Grabass, and Bourne are true metrosexual pussies and not Real Men Retrosexuals… From the Retrosexual Code:

21: A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has fucking Vodka and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a shot of Vodka??

These salad tossers probably drink fruity wine coolers.

The rest of The Retrosexual Code can be found here.

26 July 2007

The King VS The King Of The Dead

The BEST Elvis movie ever made is finally out on DVD.

Here's the trailer...

And here's some behind the scenes with Bruce Campbell..

And while we're on the subject of the dead walking the Earth, we have Night Of The Living Dead Meets Blair Witch Project...
"George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead," written and directed by the man behind "Day of the Dead," finds film students shooting a zombie movie in the woods confronting a real-life zombie invasion.

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23 July 2007

House Resolution 1940: Birthright Citizenship Act of 2007

Maybe there is some common sense left in D.C. after all.

Basically, what this means is no more anchor babies. You have to be a citizen or a legal immigrant for a child born in this country to automatically become a citizen. No more wetbacks dragging their pregnant asses over the border, birthing their spawn on our tax dollars and then getting to stay here and suck up more tax dollars because the 14th amendment says they can't be deported due to a loophole in the law.

But, I don't see this passing without another "You assholes work for US!!" movement like the one that defeated the Shamnesty bill. Keep your fingers crossed and let D.C. know who pulls the strings around here.

One more thing. The last part says that it doesn't affect anyone born before the bill becomes law. Bullshit. Make this fucker retroactive to the last Shamnesty in 1986, and get rid of these sonsabitches.


Title: To amend section 301 of the Immigration and Nationality Act to clarify those classes of individuals born in the United States who are nationals and citizens of the United States at birth.

Sponsor: Rep Deal, Nathan [GA-9] (introduced 4/19/2007)

Cosponsors (57)

Latest Major Action: 5/4/2007 Referred to House subcommittee. Status: Referred to the Subcommittee on Immigration, Citizenship, Refugees, Border Security, and International Law.


This Act may be cited as the `Birthright Citizenship Act of 2007′.


(a) In General- Section 301 of the Immigration and Nationality Act (8 U.S.C. 1401) is amended–

(1) by inserting `(a) IN GENERAL- ‘ before `The following’;

(2) by redesignating paragraphs (a) through (h) as paragraphs (1) through (8); and

(3) by adding at the end the following:

`(b) Definition- Acknowledging the right of birthright citizenship established by section 1 of the 14th amendment to the Constitution, a person born in the United States shall be considered `subject to the jurisdiction’ of the United States for purposes of subsection (a)(1) if the person is born in the United States of parents, one of whom is–

`(1) a citizen or national of the United States;

`(2) an alien lawfully admitted for permanent residence in the United States whose residence is in the United States; or

`(3) an alien performing active service in the armed forces (as defined in section 101 of title 10, United States Code).’.

(b) Applicability- The amendment made by subsection (a)(3) shall not be construed to affect the citizenship or nationality status of any person born before the date of the enactment of this Act.


Monday Motivation

Since this episode is on, this poster seemed like the logical choice...


21 July 2007

While You're Away

The Ol' Lady is off to a family reunion in Ill-Annoys, and I'm in bachelor mode this weekend.

So in between putting the Val-U-Rite Vodka in the freezer, setting up the brass pole and the Jello wrestling pool, and before the teenage cheerleaders and their Y-strings (as in why bother..) arrive, I thought I'd post a little something special for her...

20 July 2007

One Small Step For A Man

One Giant Leap For Mankind.

20 July 1969, 2256:15 EDT, Neil Armstrong set foot on the Lunar surface.

"Here Men From Planet Earth First Set Foot Upon the Moon. July 1969 A.D. We Came In Peace For All Mankind."

Friday Funny

I think I popped a stitch...


19 July 2007

King Arthur VS Lord Vader

And now for something completely different...

18 July 2007

Wednesday Weird Al - You're Pitiful

I want to dedicate this week's W.W.A. to JAG OFF. I'm just glad that he JAGGED OFF on himself a week and a half after my surgery, 'cause I don't think I could have withstood the pain of all the laughter I have had at fuckhead's expense if it had happened the week prior.

Yeah, I know it's a fake video, made up by someone. That's what makes it perfect. JAG OFF is a fake persona made up by some pitiful loser.


16 July 2007

Monday Motivation

And the bullshits keep on coming. While looking for a pic for the moto-poster, I stepped into this steaming pile. Apparently, JAG OFF thinks his Kung Fu is very powerful.
"An independant mixed martial arts instructor as a United States Marine, Joshua Adam Garcia teaches a fusion based mixed martial arts system he calls STRIKE; combining the study of Jeet Kune Do, Filipino martial arts, and Thai fighting with freestyle wrestling and the concepts of Russian Systema, Mauy Thai, and Brazilian JuJitsu."

There's a couple of pix that I assume are supposed to be JAG OFF demonstrating his leet training skillz, but I'll be damned if I can ID him in either photo. There are also three videos that appear to be from USMC hand to hand combat training, but there ain't no JAG OFF to be found there either.

You'd think that someone who claims to have been a martial arts instructor for The Corps would be graceful enough to pull off a little Emeril-type "BAM!!" without falling on his ass. This fat fuck couldn't fight his way out of a shit house, much less teach a Marine anything.

And regarding developing a fighting system: Getting your cock in a choke hold does not a ninja make. This assmunch couldn't develop a beer fart if he drained a case of The Beast and chased it with sofrito.


15 July 2007

Joshua Adam Garcia - The Next Food Network Star?? Nope, Lying Sack Of Shit.

(From The Marine Corps Times)

I knew that there was something fishy about this cocksucker when I saw him on the first episode of the third season of "Next Food Network Star". Referring to himself in the third person, "JAG this" and "JAG that" and "I'll tell you what's JAG about it" and "JAG it up", this JAG-off just rubbed me the wrong way from the start.

He put me off so fast and so far that I decided to stop watching until they got rid of the sofrito suckin' sumbitch. But he kept hanging on week after week while more personable and accomplished cooks got the boot. But given the fact that the whole herd this time around is barely capable of out-cooking the college pukes working at Outback, that ain't saying much. Alton Brown nailed it when he said, "Can we just send them all home and start over??"

But not wanting to miss the whole season, I break down and start watching again a couple of weeks ago figuring that the only reason he's still here is because Food Network is getting so much "HE SUCKS!!! SHIT-CAN THAT ARROGANT COCKSUCKER!!" mail, that they know he is drawing ratings from people wanting to see him get the axe, they decide to keep him on 'til the last minute.

Tonight I tune in to watch and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they drop kick his ass. But, just like I knew in the back of my mind would happen, they keep him on. So after a string of invective that would make a MCPO proud, I turn off the tube and storm into the bedroom. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but text on the screen stating that JAG-off lied his ass off when applying for the contest and was withdrawing.

He never deployed to Afghanistan like he claimed, was never a corporal in The Corps like he claimed, and he never graduated cooking school like he claimed. Now, I don't give a tin plated shit about his cooking credentials, but his claiming to be a combat veteran when in fact he was closer to PVT.(a rank The Corps confirms he did in fact hold) Pyle in Full Metal Jacket, that chaps my ass.

After reading the article below, I have a pretty good idea where Joshua got his "nickname". Hopefully JAG will be taking another look at this motherfucker.

Marine chef cooked up details about his service

By C. Mark Brinkley - Staff writer
Posted : Friday Jun 15, 2007 5:47:53 EDT

Would you like lies with that?

Former Marine Josh Adam Garcia has been cooking up some tall tales in the kitchen on his quest to win the title of “The Next Food Network Star.”

The popular reality television show, now in its third season, brings together 11 real-world cooks to compete for a six-episode series deal on the network. Last season’s champ, Guy Fieri, has quickly become a standout on the network, now working as host of the new shows “Guy’s Big Bite” and “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.”

After a June 1 interview with the former Marine cook, Military Times began digging deeper into Garcia’s past. It seems that much of the story, provided by both Food Network and by the man himself, doesn’t check out.

Touted as a graduate of the New York Restaurant School and a former Marine who served in Afghanistan, Garcia’s record is actually much less stellar. For starters, he never finished culinary school in New York.

“He attended, but did not graduate,” said Midge Elias, director of public relations at the school, now known as the Art Institute of New York City. Privacy rules prevent the school from releasing any further information, such as number of course hours completed or whether the former Marine used the GI Bill to help finance his training, as he claimed in multiple interviews.

Garcia, who turns 26 later this month, was a Marine, enlisting Aug. 15, 1999, for a four-year enlistment that should have ended in 2003. Instead, Garcia was discharged eight months early as a private for reasons that the Marine Corps declined to discuss due to laws protecting his personal information.

Enlisted for more than three years with no promotions? Not even the Marine Corps is that tough.

In a follow-up interview Monday, Garcia was asked to explain why he called himself a former corporal. He owned up to non-judicial punishments that cost him rank, but he blamed his military troubles on a hazing conspiracy at his former unit. Garcia also claimed that he fought his administrative separation and was ultimately exonerated, but none of that can be independently confirmed because of privacy rules.

The Marine Corps has no record of Garcia’s rank being upgraded from private by any review board.

Likewise, the service has no record of Garcia ever deploying to Afghanistan, and certainly not as a member of 2nd Battalion, 8th Marine Regiment, the infantry unit Garcia said he accompanied to the war zone in 2002. In fact, Marine officials at the battalion’s home at Camp Lejeune, N.C., said the unit did not deploy to Afghanistan that year.

“When I was in the Marine Corps, I was a grunt for a year and a half, two years, and um, became a cook,” Garcia says in a video profile for Food Network, going on to tell his story of growing up in low-income housing in New York’s south Bronx, cooking for his family at age 7. Marine officials said Tuesday that the only military occupational specialty listed in Garcia’s file is food service, and there’s no record of him holding an infantry specialty.

Now living in Havelock, N.C., not far from the gates of his final duty station, Marine Corps Air Station Cherry Point, Garcia is the chef de cuisine at the French fusion restaurant Stacia’s Lieu Secret in nearby New Bern.

When confronted with the inconsistencies, Garcia said he never specifically told the Food Network he went to Afghanistan, but instead let producers there “believe what they wanted to believe.”

During the June 1 telephone interview, a conference call with the chef and a publicist for the network, Garcia was asked several times whether he was embellishing or omitting details from his military record. Rather than correct any inaccuracies then, the former Marine stuck to his story.

“I was just afraid of what they would say,” Garcia said in the follow-up interview Monday, which was not monitored by the publicist. “I’m not dishonorable, dude. The unit was trying to cover up hazing, a big hazing scandal.”

During a second phone interview later that day, Garcia asked that the truth behind his military record not be revealed. He told stories of fights that stemmed from being a victim of hazing, and of a command that wanted to ruin him forever.

“Everything I’ve worked so hard for will come crashing down,” he said. “Everybody there (in his military unit) told me I’d never amount to nothing. The worst thing I did was let the Food Network believe something that wasn’t true.”

It’s unclear what role his military past and culinary training played in his selection for “The Next Food Network Star.” There was no requirement for either in the audition process, and some other contestants have no culinary training or formal kitchen experience.

But, the former Marine admitted that it was during the final selections for the show that he let the “war hero” notion take hold.

“That’s my fault,” he said. “I let them believe it, that’s my fault.”

When contacted about the inconsistencies Tuesday afternoon, Food Network issued a brief written statement:

“Food Network conducted routine background checks on the competitors featured in the series,” according to the statement, attributed to Bob Tuschman, senior vice-president of programming and production for Food Network (and a recurring judge on the show). “It has come to our attention that some facts about Josh Garcia may have been misrepresented. We are currently investigating this situation and will have a resolution soon. His updated bio, pending further review, has been posted on the Web site.”

The online profile no longer included any references to Afghanistan as of 6 p.m. Tuesday, but still referred to Garcia as a graduate of the New York school after the statement was released. By 8 p.m. Tuesday night, Garcia’s profile had been updated to say that he only had attended the school. Garcia’s personal MySpace page also listed him as a graduate of the school, but as of Tuesday evening, his MySpace account had been made private, thus restricting access.

When contacted a final time for comment Tuesday afternoon, Garcia finally stopped talking.

“You’re going to have to talk to the Food Network,” he said. “I don’t have anything else to say.”

The bulk of “The Next Food Network Star” episodes have already been filmed. New episodes of air each Sunday night (repeats air throughout the week) through July 22, with a panel of guest judges voting on who stays or goes.

The voting is opened up to America when the field is down to the final two, and viewers will decide on the winner.

Watch fuckhead's "I'm so sorry somebody found out the truth about what a lying scumbag piece of shit I am" exit interview here.


Sunday Prayers

(Found over at Knowledge is Power)

On a recent cam-PAIN stop to pander to the great unwashed Christbags without which these hypocrites would not have a shot in hell at the Presidency, a Camp Forger secret operative managed to get close enough to hear what was being muttered under their breath while they oh so piously posed for a pseudo-prayer photo-op...

Puff, The Magic Negro - "Allah Ak... er, I mean, Our homey who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy bling. The White House come, my will be done, in D.C. as it is on the South Side. Give me an' my niggaz our daily 40s. Forgive us our pimpin' as we bust a cap in the ass of those who pimp against us. Lead us not back to the 'hood but deliver us from Whitey. For mine is the kingdom, yo, the power, bitch and the muthafuckin' glory forever G. Peace out. "

Hildebeast - "Lord, I know this is a tall order, but if you can keep that idiot Bill's pecker in his pants for another 16 months so it won't fuck up my election, I promise to use the power of the office of President to do your work here on Earth, and... What?? No I don't have my fingers crossed behind my back.... No, really... What deal with Satan??? I don't have a deal with him... I don't care what he said, you know what kind of lying bastard he is.... No, I don't know about any contract in my hand writing signed in Chelsea's virginal blood..."

Breck Girl - "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and gay!!!"

Feel free to add your captions in the comments.


Real Life VS. The Internet

14 July 2007

Apple I(diot) Phone

This is for all you ITards that stood in line to get one of these over-priced, under-featured, buggy gadgets so you can be "Trend-ar, The Metrosexual poofter that everybody respects now that I have an ITurd".

13 July 2007

History Of The World - Part II

(Stolen from Caveman over at The Empire)

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

10 July 2007

After Autopsy Report

(From L-R: OR nurse, surgeon, anesthesiologist, and me on the table.)

(I want to thank all my well wishers over at The Empire for, like, you know, all the totally positive energy they sent my way.)

I got to the hospital about 0630 last Thursday for surgery to repair my umbilical hernia. I made my way back to Surgery and check in, a nurse takes me back and gets me changed into one of those patient gowns, booties and a hair net and escorts me back to the prep area.

The nurses back there reverify my ID and my reason for being there, start an IV and tell me that the surgeon is running late and will be there in a little while. The gas passer stops by to make sure I don't have any allergies and that I haven't had any problems with being knocked out in the past. Negative on both counts. I tell the doc that I'm a little nauseous because I had to skip breakfast and could I get something to settle my stomach. She says no prob and she'll hook me up with something to settle both my stomach and my nerves.
(Hell, I haven't been under the knife since my appendectomy in '73, so yeah I had a mild case of nerves. Kiss my ass.)

So, about 0930 (read: 1.5 hours late) they wheel me back to the OR and get me situated on the butcher block. The gas passer puts a mask over my face and tells me that he's gonna give me some O2, and that I need to take some deep breaths. I remember 4 breaths. Bastard slipped me a mickey.

Next thing I know, I'm waking up in Recovery with the expected sore throat and hoarse voice from being tubed. I spend the next hour and 20 minutes getting my head back together. Then they move me into a wheelchair and into another room with the most comfortable recliner I've ever planted my ass in. After a little while a nurse checks on me and asks how I'm feeling. I tell her that it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would. She informs me that it's the morphine they gave me. (Thank you, sir. May I have some more??) She also informs me that I have to take a wizz before I can leave, so I start slamming Sprite.

About an hour later, I feel the urge to hit the head, so the nurse helps me wobble over there. As soon as I start to go with the flow, I realize that the trach wasn't the only tube I had inserted in me during surgery. I would have sworn I had the clap, it burned so bad. They neglected to mention that little parting gift. (And speaking of getting fucked in every orifice, the brick I pounded out Sunday evening convinced me that they poured some cement mix in my ass...)

So now I have met the requirements for discharge, and I figure that while I'm on my feet might as well get dressed and get the hell outta Dodge. While I'm changing, I discover that I went in with one hole in my abdomen and came out with seven. At least these are super glued closed. The nurse comes back with a wheelchair and the usual post-op "do this - don't do that" list and my post-op check up appointment, and (cue chorus of angels) my 'script for Vicodin.

The Ol' Lady picks me up at the door and we swing by Wally World to get my Pills Of The Gods filled. I'm still hopped up on morphine so I figure I'll go in and stroll around for a while and maybe stave off some stiffness later. Yeah, right. After about 15 minutes, the morphine starts to wear off so I hobble back out to the car.

We get to the house and I get in my First Class seat on Air Vicodin, where I spend most of the next three days except for trips to the head and to swap out DVDs. By Monday I've recovered enough to move to my bed where I can FINALLY lay on my side and catch some proper sleep, so I spend the better part of the next 24 hours doing exactly that. By today I'm to the point where I can get up without a great deal of pain, but once up I get reminded that I'm still sore and stiff.

So now you're pretty much up to date. I get to spend the rest of the week on restricted duty, the only places I get to go to are the bed and the head. Friday is my post-op check, and after that I figure it'll by light duty for a month, but I'll let ya know. For now, it's time for a Vicodin and a nap.

Catch ya later.

09 July 2007

Monday Motivation

Just a little something to let ya'll know I'm still alive. I'll have an A.A.R. tomorrow or the next day.

Now I'm going back to my First Class seat on Air Vicodin.


08 July 2007

Live Earth Postlude

"Live Earth festivities attract an estimated worldwide audience of two billion people, raising awareness about global warming."

Well, I've certainly been made aware.

Aware that CO2 emissions have been responsible for the rise of 1 Celsius in temperature over the past year.

Aware that the United States recorded its coldest winter temperatures of the year in 2006 and 2007.

Aware that Al Gore's global warming speeches were either canceled or forestalled by adverse weather conditions; i.e. blizzards, snowstorms, hail, etc..

Aware that the largest CO2 producer in the world is China, not the United States, and the former is considered a "developing country."

Aware that CO2 emissions are affected by the rising in temperatures, not vice versa.

Aware that 90% of the signing scientists in the IPCC either retracted their statements or stated that, after further analysis, that their data might not be correct.

Aware that CO2 emissions actually help the planet; specifically, plants. Lowering CO2 emissions lowers plantlife, but conversely, increasing plantlife increases CO2 emissions since there are more animals around to eat the plants. D'oh!

Anybody else find it ironic that they held the festivities on the hottest month of the year? Always remember; a liberal's last resort, which always works, is music. Now you'll get every Follywood pundit in the U.S. saying "OMG, we need to do something about this. Why? Look at how many people showed up for Live Earth. Two billion! The people MUST be well informed." Pops told me that most of the people who attended Live Earth didn't give a rat's ass about OwlGore's message. They were just there for all the mainstream artists.

But, hey, go ahead and plant your 100,000 trees. Can't hurt, after all.

Just remember, I'm not going to pay tax dollars in support of a religion.


Update: They changed the headline on Wikipedia! "Live Earth concerts are held at eleven locations around the world in an attempt to raise awareness about global warming."

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04 July 2007

Wendsday Weird Al - Like A Surgeon

This one seems apropos considering my situation.

Went to see the Doc last Monday to get refills on my 'scripts and I get referred to a surgeon because I've developed an umbilical hernia. That's when a loop of the small intestine pushes through the ring of muscle behind the navel and turns your innie into an outtie.

So Friday, I go to the surgeon's office and he has me lay back on the exam table and without telling me what's about to happen, he proceeds to see if he can reduce the hernia by jamming his finger into my navel, and asking, "Have you been having any discomfort or pain with this??" And I'm like, "Well, not until about 10 seconds or so ago, right now it's pretty un-fucking-comfortable."

As a former medic, I understand that some pain is often necessary during an exam, so on the rare occasions I go to a Doc, I try to be a cooperative patient. But, DAMN, warn a nigga before you try to poke his spine thru his belly button...

So after about 15-20 seconds of his unannounced painful probing trying to determine how big the hole is, and my getting more tense and uncomfortable by the second, I finally give in to instinct and push his hand away.

He tells me that I shouldn't push his hand away, and I tell him, "I know that, but give me a second to relax and prepare before you start and this will go a lot smoother." So he does, I take a few deep breaths and give him the go ahead. As predicted, I am able to tolerate the prodding and probing and he is able to get a handle on things.

He tells me that I have a hole in my abdominal wall about an inch in diameter. And that I should get it repaired A.S.A.P. to head off a potential strangulated hernia, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like... the muscles around the loop of intestine clamps down on it and shuts off the flow of blood and that equals "BAD NEWS". If that happens, it's intense pain and a trip to emergency surgery at best.

So I'm scheduled to report to the hospital at 0630 tomorrow to check in. It's gonna be laparoscopic surgery, so only four small incisions to pull the loop back to where it should be and close the hole, and to insert a patch behind my navel to prevent it from happening again. Four small incisions means less pain and faster recovery and healing times.

The downside is that it's gonna be done under general anesthesia, and that means I wake up with the sore throat from hell from being 'tubed while I'm under. Depending on how I feel, I'll be back as soon as I can with an A.A.R., probably Friday.

So now I'm gonna turn you over to Dr. Yankovic's tender mercies...


03 July 2007

I Gotta Get A Grant VI - The Ichthyology Files

(found at Curmudgeonly Skeptical)

From our friends across the fishin' hole comes this little reminder of how the government thinks they can spend your money more wisely than you can...

The government has ruled that fish may feel pain and will draw up a charter of rights to protect them from inhumane treatment in research laboratories, writes Michelle McGinty.

Home Office guidelines will ensure that fish used for scientific study are monitored for signs of stress. Scientists will be required to “enrich” the animals’ lives by putting shelters and other features in aquariums.

The charter also stipulates that laboratories and universities should “retire” fish at a reasonable age so they can enjoy their old age.

How many pounds were spent to come up with the idea that a phucking phish needs an enriched lifestyle and retirement condo??? Probably need to put in a golf course as well. Or maybe water polo??

I've got an idea that's a helluva lot cheaper... I can enrich them with some seasoned cornmeal batter and they can retire in the deep fryer on my counter top.

The guidelines have been prompted by mounting evidence suggesting that fish, which are used widely for genetic research, have pain receptors similar to those of land-dwelling vertebrates.

A study conducted at the Roslin Institute near Edinburgh and published by the Royal Society in 2003 appeared to show fish have nervous systems that respond to damaging stimuli.

Further proof that egg heads need to get outta the lab a little more often. Anybody who has cleaned fish with a pocket knife can tell you that. Unless you put 'em in a hypothermic coma by stowing them in a cooler full of ice, when you go to cut their head off or eviscerate them, you're gonna get a reaction.

Last year 230,000 fish were used by government laboratories, an increase of more than a third since 2003. They are the third largest group of laboratory animals, behind mice and rats.

The study also concluded that while fish are behind mice and rats in being studied, they come out way ahead of them in tasty deep fried goodness. Especially if served with hushpuppies and a thick slice of onion and slaw on the side.

Zebrafish, a tropical variety, are most commonly used because they are suited to a wide range of experiments. They can regenerate their fins, skin and heart following injury in an experiment. The mechanism by which they do so is unknown and is being studied by scientists.

If cutting the fins, skin and heart outta some fish can lead to humans being able to regenerate vital components, I say study those fuckers all you want. And you get the added bonus of being able to eat your homework.

Victoria Braithwaite, of Edinburgh University’s institute of evolutionary biology, who has helped draw up the guidelines, said there was growing evidence that fish had greater intellectual capacity than previously thought. A study last year found red sea groupers were hunting cooperatively with moray eels, using eye contact to call them to a hunt and then sharing the spoils.

This one's a grant twofer...

I hate to break it to you Lady Vicky of Treehuggershire, but my money's on the Groupers eye movements are due to them keeping watch on the Moray Eels to make sue the vicious bastards ain't gonna take a plug outta their ass. The morays don't care if they get to eat what the groupers are hunting or the grouper themselves. If they will attack humans, do you actually think they will give a second thought to chowing down on another fish??

Pass the hot sauce...


02 July 2007

Monday Motivation

(thanks to Sig94)

Click on post title to go make your own.