08 December 2006

Coming Out Of The Closet

(I don't remember where I found this, but given the ongoing pussification of species Maleus Americanium, I figured it needed posting...)

After searching for my sexual identity. I finally discovered it and I can no longer keep it in the closet. I am here to openly announce that I am a Retrosexual. My Retrosexuality is defined by the following Retrosexual code:

1: A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, pays for the date.

2: A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

3: A Retrosexual DEALS WITH SHIT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

4: A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

5: A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

6: A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap. (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

7: A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old .

8: A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "DEALING WITH SHIT" portion of The Code.

9: A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

10: A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fuck up rooms in his house on national TV.

11: A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

12: A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you fucked up, he DEALT WITH YOU. Buck up pussy.

13: A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

14: A Retrosexual knows how to tie a fucking windsor knot when wearing a tie.

15: A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay. However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire and drinking heavily is just fine.

16: A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

17: A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss that you be.

18: A Retrosexual's asshole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hotwings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with your's unless you want us to, and you won't mess with our's... period.

19: A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygine products if he has to, but only under protest.This falls under unpleasant things you have to fucking DEAL WITH. Get some Hagen-Daas while your at it.

20: A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

21: A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has fucking Vodka and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a shot of Vodka??


If any of you guys out there have suggestions for the code, please feel free to submit them in the comments and I'll add them to the list.

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