Wednesday Weird Al - Polkarama

For some reason, I've had this song going thru my head for the past couple of days. (It could be the Darvocet I'm taking for my back...)

Mebbe posting it will blow out the cobwebs and let me move on to something that won't run on a continuous loop in my mind...

Monday Motivation

I understand that the Film Actors Guild had some sort of mutual masturbation party last night and that The Goracle won an award for that pile of steaming shit of his. So in that vein, I give you this...

You Will Be Assimilated

We will add your technological and biological Ensure-sucking, walker-pushing insignificance to our own. You will adapt to soil Depends.

Watch the video below. See the Tub O' Guts in the wading pool?? Back in my Medic Days, I would heave folks his size across my shoulders in a Fireman's Carry and tote them down 6 flights of stairs without breaking a sweat because we couldn't get a stretcher around the corners in the staircase.

I was 20 years old then.

Now I'm double that plus 2 (almost 3...).

I've been busy over the past week moving into the new digs, ergo the lack of posting. The first day, the first thing I moved was a 50-odd pound mini-fridge. Carried it the 30-40 feet from the bedroom to the front door, went to open the storm door, and something popped in my back and I'm dropping the fridge, laying on top of it and screaming and crying like a baby because of the pain.

(Just for reference, I moved a full sized fridge/freezer and a washer/dryer set into the joint by myself, without a hand truck, 2 years ago...)

Now a week has gone by and it's all I can do to drag my painfully semi-animated, non-corpse to the head in a zombie-like shamble to take a dump.

So, the next time you're admiring your pert, firm, gravity-defying tits or your washboard abs, or your full head of non-gray/white hair in the mirror and thinking that you're 9 ft. tall and bullet proof, remember this:

Face lifts are irrelevant.

Hair transplants are irrelevant.

Viagra is irrelevant.

Resistance is futile.

You will become one with the Old Fucks.

NO ONE HERE GETS OUT ALIVE...

Who Are You??

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

Valentine's Day Pop Quiz

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party

Q: Why is it called PMS?
A: Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Happy Valentine's Day, Bitch.

(stolen from AoSHQ)

I'm hungry, bitch. Waddle your filthy, filthy vagina into the kitchen and make me a sandwich dammit. NOW!

What...you think that because you have hair that is long, and soft, and smells like lavender, and is my favorite shade of black/brown/chestnut brown/blonde/strawberry blonde/red/auburn/gray that you don't have to cook anymore? Just because it hangs down to your incredibly fit ass/super tight abs/feminine and graceful shoulders? Get over yourself, slut.

Didn't you hear me? I'm still hungry. And all this talking is making me thirsty too. So how about grabbing me a beer while you are up? That really isn't a question, dumbass.

I just don't get you. Sure you have beautiful eyes that are my favorite shade of blue/green/brown and I get weak in the knees when you smile/laugh at me. And the sound of your voice and the touch of your silky soft skin against my cheek makes me tremble with the nervous anticipation of two lovers embraced for the first time. But you are still little more than a dirty, dirty whore. Bitch.

And your breasts are my favorite size a/b/c/d/dd and are perky and/or firm as melons. But does that mean I should buy you a fucking house? Geez...and to think you pitch a fit when all I ask for is a freakin' sandwich. Psycho.

So you have long legs that could wrap themselves around me three or four times. For this I should forget that you also possess a gaping wound that bleeds but never freaking heals? You disgust me.

Can you put a little more mustard on that? I swear, are you competent to do anything right?

And while it's true that you are my soulmate/private dancer/best friend/love of my life, and that I couldn't make it thru this cruel world without your quiet strength and your love, as long as I have one dollar bills and live near the Crystal City Strip Club I can get all the emotional support I need. So don't go thinking you bring anything unique to the table, sister.

Unless it's my fucking sandwich. It would be awfully fucking unique if you brought THAT to the table. Hussy.

So tomorrow, when I'm remembering how lucky I am to have you and softly weeping as I gaze at the first light of dawn falling upon your perfect face as you sleep, just remember that as much as you think I am shedding tears for you, all I really want is my fucking sandwich! Capiche?

Now get in the kitchen before I have to remind you who wears the nicely ironed/perfectly pressed/color coordinated pants that you picked out for me in this relationship. Can I get an ETA on the damn sandwich yet?

Because tomorrow is your day. I will love you/celebrate you/cherish you/place rose petals at your feet/plan romantic surprises all in your honor.

But right now? It's just February fucking 13th. And all I want to hear out of you is "Your sandwich is ready, dear."

For crying out loud, you sicken me. I despise you. I love you.

Thanks for the sandwich, by the way. But you forgot the fuckin' beer! Now get back in there and do it again until you get it right.

Fuckin' women. And to think we let them drive/vote/bear our children.

If I didn't need ya, I'd say "who needs them"?

Universal Translator - Female Language Upgrade

In order to better the "attached" male's chances of survival this Valentine's Day, I offer this Universal Translator Female-speak to English upgrade:

Fine: - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes: - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead: - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead: - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh: - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay: - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do: - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot: - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Monday Motivation

Weekend Dating Motivational Poster

Juke Box Jams: Meatloaf - Paradise By The Dashboard Light

One to take you back you back to your Hot and Horny teens. Who else saw this video for the first time at the midnight showing of Rocky Horror?? Good Times...

Juke Box Jams: Eagles - Dirty Laundry

Well, as you probably know by now, the trainwreck formerly known as Vickie Lynn Hogan was pronounced dead at 1445 EST yesterday. And with the exception of that island of class Special Report with Brit Hume, we are now in the "All Anna Nicole Smith, All The Time" news cycle. I first heard of her being found "unresponsive" at appx. 1345-1400 CST, and for the next 4 hours, the vultures circling and repeating each other about nothing new was the ONLY "NEWS".

Cavuto, who supposedly covers business, dedicated the first half of his show to the circus. Then when he finally got around to the interview I tuned in to watch, he interrupted Clint Eastwood, hollywood star and movie mogul, to cut to a press conference with some schmuck, know-nothing cop with a bunch of bullshit stars on his collar getting his fat face on the tube by stating, "We don't know shit.", and answering questions with, "We don't know shit".

The only thing more disgusting was Greta Van Gossipcolumn sliming her foul "If it's sick, twisted, disgusting, perverted deathsexdrugs, I'll be covering it" act onto 2 or 3 other shows besides her own hour long cess pool. I bet that we get at least 2-3 weeks of Weekly World News-class coverage outta her fucked up face.

So with that ray of sunshine about the next few weeks of stellar news coverage in mind, I present you with this...



A PRE-EMPTIVE FUCK OFF TO THOSE WHO WOULD THROW THE "RUPERT MURDOCK" COMMENT AT THE START IN MY FACE. HENLEY'S POLITICS AIN'T THE POINT, THE SONG IS. ABCNBCCBSCNNPMSNBC AND THE REST ARE ALL BIASED, THEY JUST SWING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLATE.

Predator Kicks Raptor Ass

The U.S. Air Forces new F-22 fighter is expensive (over $200 million each) partly because of its extensive array of electronic sensors. The air force, looking to get this expensive bird some work, considered sending a few to Iraq. There, the F-22 would use its sensors to detect enemy activity on the ground. Problem is, the F-22 sensors are tuned to detect much fainter signals present during a high altitude air-to-air combat.

When tested closer to the ground, the F-22 sensors were overloaded. The fix for that problem was to re-tune the F-22 sensors, and the spiffy new F-22 sensors and hardware are amazingly reconfigurable. But at this point someone pointed out that, it was a lot cheaper to buy more Predators, especially the larger Predator B (which cost about less than five percent of what the air force is paying for F-22s). The Predator is cheaper to operate, can stay in the air longer, and can be easily fitted with less expensive sensors, better suited to the noisy ground level environment.

The big bottleneck with Predators is training crews fast enough. Since Predators stay in the air for 24 hours or more per sortie, you need several shifts of crews. New operator stations (using multiple flat screen displays and display software based on computer game technology) now enable one operator to handle two Predators simultaneously, but the new stations were supposed to make it possible for one pilot to run up to four UAVs at once. Didn't work out that way, although improvements in the operator station software, and the availability of more experienced UAV jockeys, might fix that.

In the meantime, F-22s are being sent to the Pacific. There, as air superiority fighters, they pose a very real threat to the Chinese and North Korean air forces.

What makes more sense? $200 million for one fighter that yet has to fire a shot in anger, or 40 UAVs that are proven in combat and have racked up dozens of kills?? Yeah, yeah, I know the Raptor is supposed to be a kick ass air superiority fighter, but right now there is no air war going on. All of the fighting we're doing is in the dirt and the Grunts would benefit more from 40 Predators than they would from one Raptor.

Besides, between the F/A-18s, F-15s and F-16s that are already in the inventory, we can knock any other Air Force outta the sky. But there are two things working against the idea:

(1) The USAF is commanded by fighter-jocks who want the newest, coolest toys.

(2) It makes too much sense.

More Motivation

For my buddy Egg and his soon to be conceived Guild Wars character...

I Heard That Something Happened Over The Weekend....

I shoulda posted this on Puppy Bowl, er, I mean, Supper, uhmm, SUPER-bowl Sunday, but I forgot I had it...

Tuesday Toon

One for my Limey buddy CJ...

Monday Motivation

Juke Box Jams - AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long

For Maureen...

We're All Gonna Freeze To Death, Or Is That Boil To Death??

As if you needed more proof that we live in Bizarro World, that idiot former Vice President ManBearPig, umm, I mean, Al Gore has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming. This comes on the heels of his movie "An Inconvenient Truth" being nominated for an Academy Award.

Not that either nomination means Jack Shit to anybody with more than half a brain anymore. I mean how can you take seriously any award that will take nominations for shit stain anti-semite terrorist enablers like Jimmy Carter and Yasser Arafat (both of whom happened to win a PEACE PRIZE by the way...), or a piece of shit movie like Brokedick Mountain.

But for the millions of people who suffer from a severe deficiency of vitamins I.Q. and Reality in their lives, to be nominated for BOTH awards in the span of a couple of weeks is proof that The Gorebot must be doing God's Work!!

Give me a fucking break.

How the fuck does this asshole get two nominations for work on global WARMING in the middle of one of the worst winter seasons in the last quarter century??? Here we've had at least a half a dozen winter storms back to back that have paralyzed a large chunk of this country and have contributed to at least 65-70 deaths. Most of those deaths were on the highways, but some of them are from FREEZING TO DEATH, but he says we're gonna die from global WARMING??? This is the same fuckwit that gave a speech about WARMING on one of the COLDEST days on record in NYC!!!

The "science" of global warming is a piss poor postulation at best. Here's some Inconvenient Hard Facts for you:

(from Boortz.com)

* Because the sun is warmer .. and all of these scientists don't seem to be willing to credit a warmer sun with any of the blame for global warming.

* The polar ice caps on Mars are melting. How did our CO2 emissions get all the way to Mars?

* It was warmer in the 1930s across the globe than it is right now.

* It wasn't all that long ago that these very same scientists were warning us about "global cooling" and another approaching ice age?

* How much has the earth warmed up in the last 100 years? One degree. Now that's frightening.

* Because that famous "hockey stick" graph that purports to show a sudden warming of the earth in the last few decades is a fraud. It ignored previous warming periods ... left them off the graph altogether.

* The infamous Kyoto accords exempt some of the world's biggest CO2 polluters, including China and India.

* The Kyoto accords can easily be seen as nothing less than an attempt to hamstring the world's dominant capitalist economies.

* Because many of these scientists who are sounding the global warming scare depend on grant money for their livelihood, and they know the grant money dries up when they stop preaching the global warming sermon.

* Because global warming "activists" and scientists seek to punish those who have different viewpoints. If you are sure of your science you have no need to shout down or seek to punish those who disagree.

* What happened to the Medieval Warm Period? In 1996 the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change issued a chart showing climatic change over a period of 1000 years. This graph showed a Medieval warming period in which global temperatures were higher than they are today. In 2001 the IPCC issued another 1000 year graph in which the Medieval warming period was missing. Why?

* Why has one scientist promoting the cause of man-made global warming been quoted as saying "we have to get rid of the medieval warming period?"

* The United Nations is anti-American and anti-Capitalist. In short .. I don't trust them. Not a bit. The UN would eagerly engage in any enterprise that would weaken capitalist economies around the world.

* Because after the fall of the Soviet Union and worldwide Communism many in the anti-capitalist movement moved to the environmental movement to continue pursuing their anti-free enterprise goals. Many of the loudest proponents of man-made global warming today are confirmed anti-capitalists.

* Why is the ice cap on the Antarctic getting thicker if the earth is getting warmer?

* In the United States, the one country with the most accurate temperature measuring and reporting records, temperatures have risen by 0.3 degrees centigrade over the past 100 years. The UN estimate is twice that.

* There are about 160,000 glaciers around the world. Most have never been visited or measured by man. The great majority of these glaciers are growing, not melting.

* Side-looking radar interferometry shows that the ise mass in the West Antarctic is growing at a rate of over 26 gigatons a year. This reverses a melting trend that had persisted for the previous 6,000 years.

* Rising sea levels? The sea levels have been rising since the last ice age ended. That was 12,000 years ago. Estimates are that in that time the sea level has risen by over 300 feet. The rise in our sea levels has been going on long before man started creating anything but natural CO2 emissions.

* Like Antarctica, the interior of Greenland is gaining ice mass.

* Over the past 3,000 years there have been five different extended periods when the earth was measurably warmer than it is today.

* During the last 20 years -- a period of the highest carbon dioxide levels -- global temperatures have actually decreased. That's right ... decreased.

* Why did a reporter from National Public Radio refuse to interview David Deming, an associate professor at the University of Oklahoma studying global warming, after his testimony to the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee unless Deming would state that global warming was being caused by man?

* Why are global warming proponents insisting that the matter is settled and that no further scientific research is needed? Why are they afraid of additional information?

* On July 24, 1974 Time Magazine published an article entitled "Another Ice Age?" Here's the first paragraph:

"As they review the bizarre and unpredictable weather pattern of the past several years, a growing number of scientists are beginning to suspect that many seemingly contradictory meteorological fluctuations are actually part of a global climatic upheaval. However widely the weather varies from place to place and time to time, when meteorologists take an average of temperatures around the globe they find that the atmosphere has been growing gradually cooler for the past three decades. The trend shows no indication of reversing. Climatological Cassandras are becoming increasingly apprehensive, for the weather aberrations they are studying may be the harbinger of another ice age."

It's now up to you to accept the carnival barker's word at face value, or do a little research and see that ManBearPig is nothing more than a fabricated side-show House Of Horrors designed to divest you of your tax dollars.

More Mail From 'Stan

(found at Kim du Toit's place)

How is it that an uneducated, third-world dwelling, two steps up from a caveman dude "Gets It", but our allegedly educated, supposedly intelligent, "elite" ruling class betters with their "I Love Me" wall of diplomas and degrees don't have a muthafuckin' clue???

Hi everyone.

I’m still alive but freezing my tail off. We got 8 inches of snow last week and it reached 5 degrees below zero that night. That’s not why I’m e-mailing though. You may have heard about a suicide car bomb attack in Kabul last Thursday. It was at one of our FOB’s (Forward Observation Bases) about 27 miles from here.

But the real story is why no one was killed. We employ several thousand Afghans on our various bases. Not to mention the economy that is fed by the money these locals are making. Anyway, there is this one Afghan that we call Rambo. We have actually given him a couple of sets of the new ACU uniforms (the new Army digital camouflage) with the name tag RAMBO on it. His entire family was killed by the Taliban and his home was where our base currently resides. So this guy really had nowhere else to go.

He has reached such a level of trust with US Forces that his job is to stand at the front gate and basically be the first security screening. Since he can’t have a weapon, he found a big red pipe. So he stands there at the front gate in his US Army ACU uniform with his red pipe. If a vehicle approaches the gate too fast or fails to stop he slams his pipe down on their hood. Then once the gate is lifted the vehicle moves on the 2nd gate where the US Army MP’s are. So he’s like the first line of defense.

Last Thursday at 0930 hrs a Toyota Corolla packed with explosives and some Jack Ass that thinks he has 72 Virgins waiting for him approached the gate. When he saw Rambo he must have recognized him and known the gig was up. But he needed to get to that 2nd gate to detonate and take American lives. So he slams his foot on the gas which almost causes the metal gate to go up but mostly catches on the now broken windshield.

Rambo fearlessly ran to the vehicle, reached thru the window and jerked the suicide bomber out of the vehicle before he could detonate and commenced to putting some red pipe to his heathen ass. He detained the guy until the MP got there. The vehicle only exploded when they tried to push it off base with a robot but no one was hurt.

I’m still waiting for someone to give this guy a medal or something. Nothing less than instant US citizenship or something. A hat was passed around and a lot of money was given to him in thanks by both soldiers and civilians that are working over here.

I guess I just wanted to share this because I want people to know that it’s working over here.

They have tasted freedom. This makes it worth it to me.

JOHN W. HUNT, CPT, US ARMY Operations Officer Bagram Afghanistan

THAT is the kind of immigrant I want coming to this country. Shit, I want him to come over to my house for burgers and beers.

And for fuck's sake, give him a fuckin' weapon...