Leap Day Bonus Weird Al - AKA: The Story Of MOST Of The Women In My Life

Close, But No Cigar...






But #3 on the list worked out pretty good...


...so far...

Wendnesday Weird Al - Virus Alert

Friendly 'worms' could spread software fixes...

Microsoft researchers are hoping to use "information epidemics" to distribute software patches more efficiently.

Software worms spread by self-replicating. After infecting one computer they probe others to find new hosts. Most existing worms randomly probe computers when looking for new hosts to infect, but that is inefficient, says Vojnović, because they waste time exploring groups or "subnets" of computers that contain few uninfected hosts.

Look at the words in bold... Those are NOT words I want to hear when referring to my computer. Windows is already as holey as swiss cheese and they've barely got XP secure enough to venture into the 'Net, the last thing I want is them poking more holes in it and inserting their worms in there to "INFECT" (their exact word) my box.

(Besides, an expert tells me worms make your ass itch...)

Now look at the word in quotes in the last sentence... "subnet".

I seem to recall a story in which the main antagonist had a name very close to that, in fact it was only two letters off. It wound up sending a trio of cyborg killing machines into the past to destroy the only man who could stop it's plan of wiping humans off the face of the planet.

Hey, if Nostradamus can mean that evil, Nazi sumbitch "Hitler" when he wrote "Hister" and still be taken seriously, I can be a couple of letters off, too.

A Prescription For The Folks At The 325th CSH

Take PRN and apply liberally to affected area for relief from acute attacks of Dee Dee Dee...



(By special request from JMFL.

We love you and miss you... ALL OF YOU!

Take care and come home safe.)

Time To Take Off Your Clothes...

... And Show Us Your Tights

Wanna Woo Your Lover This Valentine's Day???

Try some of the poetry found in the comments here at Ace's Place

"The Washington Post ran a contest which you had to write a two line poem with the first line romantic and the second line as unromantic as the first line was romantic.

Example of some of the entries:

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take the paper bag off of your face."

Here's a couple I pulled outta my ass at random from the comments...

"I can't express my feelings with candy hearts
Can't find one that says "sorry for the anal warts"

I love you more now than the day we were wed
So when in the fuck are you gonna give me head?"

Feel free to post your own...

I'm gonna try some and see if I get lucky...

UPDATE:

Some Jarhead humor from the thread...

"A boy walks into his parent's room and sees his father fucking his mother in the ass. The dad laughs at him and says, "Now get the fuck outta here".

The next night, the father walks into the son's room and catches him fucking his grandmother up the ass. The son says, "Yeah, it's not so funny when it's your mother..."

My Brother

Time To Vote

OK.

I get THIS...

...for The Ol' Lady...


Don't you think she should get THIS...

...for me???

UPDATE...

I know what, I'll suck up a little...


Hmmm... "Fuck you, Fat Bastard" wasn't the response I was lookin' for...

Lemme try this...


UPDATE II ...
"Our Song"???

How's this??


No???

Get my gun woman....

Global Warming Eats Local Man's Truck, Ranger To The Rescue

A week ago on Thursday here in S.E.MO. we got 4-6" of snow over a thin layer of sleet. Friday, I'm out toolin' around, enjoyin' a snow day off from the zoo..., er...um... I mean, the school bus, T.C.B., when The Ol' Lady calls and sez one of her employees is stuck in the snow in his driveway, and could I go by and extricate him...

Sure, sez I. I know Dude has a 2WD full size Chevy PU, and figger that he's got that light ass-end, no-traction thing going on and just needs a little tug to get outta the driveway....

Nope.

He's slid outta the driveway and into the ditch at the end of it, and while trying to get out, has buried the thing to the axle in the snow and mud.

So, here I am in my '98 4.0 4x4 Ranger thinkin', "I ain't got the ballast to get enuff bite on this slick shit to yank THAT out, especially with these no-tread havin' tires... But I'm here, let's give it a shot." I get turned around, and lined up, flip the switch to 4LO, and back up so Dude can hook up the tow rope.

I take up the slack, he mounts up and gives me the "GO". The Ranger starts slipping sideways until it centers on the load then starts spinning all fours. Back off and try again. Same-same. I tell Dude, "I'm gonna give it a little jerk..." I give it a little slack and then bump it. Seems like we make a couple inches of forward movement.

COOL!!

"Let's try that again, a little harder..." BUMP!! It seems to break loose. "One more time." BUMP!! and she comes out and I proceed to pull the Chevy to the top of the hill where he D/C's the rope and parks where he can drive out until the snow melts off.

Muchos Gracias's ensue and the offer of a shot or 3 of Primo Woda back at the crib are accepted.

"Can you make it up the drive??", sez he. "Dunno, it's kinda steep, but I'll give 'er a shot", sez I. And rubbing his nose in the awesome Ranger Greatness he has just been witness to, I proceed up his drive without slipping a tire.

"DAMMIT!!! I gotta get me a truck like that!!!", sez he.

(P.S. That's my drop top 25th Anniversary Pony GT 5.0 H.O. in the background...)

Smoke Eaters And Dogs Rule!!

(Found at Xavier's place...)

Go to the link in the title for Pix and Video...

Central Florida Firefighters Save Dogs With Mouth-To-Mouth CPR

Kissimmee firefighters on Tuesday revived several dogs by performing cardiopulmonary resuscitation on the animals, which were rescued from a structure fire.

According to Kissimee fire officials, Gary Letour and other firefighters responded to the fire at 401 S. Clyde Ave. at about 2 p.m.

The fire was contained to the laundry room of the home, but heat and smoke filled an upstairs apartment, where the animals were discovered.

The dogs were taken to an area animal hospital for observation. A cat was killed in the fire.

Big Fuckin' Deal... Cats drool....

Doggie CPR info here...

Heimlich Maneuver for Dogs here... (Also covers Cats, They knew they were biting off more than they could chew, I say, let 'em choke...

How To Avoid An Ass Kickin' By Chris Rock

Found this over at Sig 94's place, and some of them would go a long way toward keepin' my boot outta my Hood Rat's asses as well.

Monday Motivation

Reporting The News American Media Won't

From the U.K.'s Telegraph, via Red Planet Cartoons, comes this bit-o-news that you'll never hear from that wholly owned subsidiary of the Dhimmicrat Party, The MSM...

Minutes after taking the Pledge of Allegiance, new American citizens are urged to register as voters by Democratic activists who see them as natural party supporters who could hold the key to the 2008 election.

But with increasing illegal immigration threatening the economy and security of the United States, many legal immigrants anxious to uphold the laws of their adopted country are moving towards the more hard-line immigration stance of Republicans.

Even in California’s Democratic-controlled San Diego, sizeable numbers of America’s newly-minted potential voters said that illegal immigrants should be penalised rather than given an easy route to citizenship as most Democrats advocate.

“For a long time, immigration was OK,” said Sara Wright, 49, a seamstress from Mexico who arrived in the US legally in 1986.

“But now, no more. A lot of really bad people come from Mexico and commit crimes.

“People are coming in and having two, three, four babies and going on welfare. Some are making money here and spending it back in Mexico.

"That’s not right. They should go back to Mexico and get a permit.”

Mrs Wright, whose American-born husband Ed served in the US Navy, was one of 1,591 people from 89 countries who became citizens at a ceremony in San Diego’s Golden Hall on Tuesday.

Nearly two thirds of them were from Mexico, whose border is just 17 miles from the city.

During the 40-minute ceremony, performed by a judge, the new citizens waved American flags, sang “America the Beautiful” and raised their rights hands as they repeated the oath to “abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty” of another nation.

Welcome to The United States, my fellow Americans. Make yourselves at home.