I Gotta Get A Grant VII - Why You Should Pay Attention In Math Class

If we step into the Way Back Machine and take a trip to 1978, we find your's truly in 9th grade math class. And I'm saying to myself, "Self, if you pass math this year, this is the last time you'll have to suffer thru this bullshit. You can balance a checkbook, count change, and do all the basic mathematics you need to get thru your life. You know that you'll prolly get a piss poor grade in the algebra portion of the course*, but what good will being able to add A + B and make it equal C do you?? If you do well enough the rest of the year, no more math 'til the math test at the end of Junior year."

Little did I know that being good in math allows you to study things like this...

Jessica Alba has the perfect wiggle, study says

Jessica Alba, the film actress, has the ultimate sexy strut, according to a team of Cambridge mathematicians.

The academics found that it is the ratio between hips and waist that puts the sway into a woman's walk - and the nearer that ratio is to 0.7, the better.

This ratio provides the body with the right torso strength to produce a more angular swing and bounce to the hips during the walking motion.

Therefore, a woman with a 25in waist and 36in hips would have just the right proportions to carry off a sexy swagger as she walks.

The Jessica Alba sashay beat off competition from Kate Moss, Angelina Jolie and even Marilyn Monroe, whose walk along a railway platform in Some Like It Hot is one of the most famous in film history.

While Monroe was a fraction off the target ratio with 0.69, the Cambridge team said that Alba had the perfect proportions.

(* Sure enough, that was the ONLY F I got in 12 years of school. The rest of my grades never dipped below a B.)

I Gotta Get A Grant VI - The Ichthyology Files

(found at Curmudgeonly Skeptical)



From our friends across the fishin' hole comes this little reminder of how the government thinks they can spend your money more wisely than you can...

The government has ruled that fish may feel pain and will draw up a charter of rights to protect them from inhumane treatment in research laboratories, writes Michelle McGinty.

Home Office guidelines will ensure that fish used for scientific study are monitored for signs of stress. Scientists will be required to “enrich” the animals’ lives by putting shelters and other features in aquariums.

The charter also stipulates that laboratories and universities should “retire” fish at a reasonable age so they can enjoy their old age.

How many pounds were spent to come up with the idea that a phucking phish needs an enriched lifestyle and retirement condo??? Probably need to put in a golf course as well. Or maybe water polo??

I've got an idea that's a helluva lot cheaper... I can enrich them with some seasoned cornmeal batter and they can retire in the deep fryer on my counter top.

The guidelines have been prompted by mounting evidence suggesting that fish, which are used widely for genetic research, have pain receptors similar to those of land-dwelling vertebrates.

A study conducted at the Roslin Institute near Edinburgh and published by the Royal Society in 2003 appeared to show fish have nervous systems that respond to damaging stimuli.

Further proof that egg heads need to get outta the lab a little more often. Anybody who has cleaned fish with a pocket knife can tell you that. Unless you put 'em in a hypothermic coma by stowing them in a cooler full of ice, when you go to cut their head off or eviscerate them, you're gonna get a reaction.

Last year 230,000 fish were used by government laboratories, an increase of more than a third since 2003. They are the third largest group of laboratory animals, behind mice and rats.

The study also concluded that while fish are behind mice and rats in being studied, they come out way ahead of them in tasty deep fried goodness. Especially if served with hushpuppies and a thick slice of onion and slaw on the side.

Zebrafish, a tropical variety, are most commonly used because they are suited to a wide range of experiments. They can regenerate their fins, skin and heart following injury in an experiment. The mechanism by which they do so is unknown and is being studied by scientists.

If cutting the fins, skin and heart outta some fish can lead to humans being able to regenerate vital components, I say study those fuckers all you want. And you get the added bonus of being able to eat your homework.

Victoria Braithwaite, of Edinburgh University’s institute of evolutionary biology, who has helped draw up the guidelines, said there was growing evidence that fish had greater intellectual capacity than previously thought. A study last year found red sea groupers were hunting cooperatively with moray eels, using eye contact to call them to a hunt and then sharing the spoils.

This one's a grant twofer...

I hate to break it to you Lady Vicky of Treehuggershire, but my money's on the Groupers eye movements are due to them keeping watch on the Moray Eels to make sue the vicious bastards ain't gonna take a plug outta their ass. The morays don't care if they get to eat what the groupers are hunting or the grouper themselves. If they will attack humans, do you actually think they will give a second thought to chowing down on another fish??

Pass the hot sauce...

I Gotta Get a Grant V

From the place where you might least expect it, FOX News...

It's convenient and widely available but a growing group of researchers warn that WiFi may be hazardous to your health.

William Stewart, the head of Britain's Health Protection Agency, is worried that wireless Internet access may pose a health threat — particularly to children — and is privately calling for a study of the hazards of WiFi, the Independent reports.

Click here to read the full Independent report.

Researchers believe that the electromagnetic radiation emitted by the phones, cell-phone towers and WiFi masts are contributing to an "electric smog" that could pose a future health risk.

The researchers say this smog of electromagnetic radiation is 1 billion times stronger than the natural fields in which living cells have developed over the last 3.8 billion years. Children may be more vulnerable as their skulls are thinner and their nervous systems are still developing, not to mention that they'll be exposed to more radiation over their lifetime.

The Austrian Medical Association is just one group that wants to keep WiFi out of the classroom, the Independent reports.

The head of environmental health and medicine in the province of Salzburg calls WiFi "dangerous" to sensitive people. "The number of people and the danger are both growing," Dr. Gerd Oberfeld said.

The World Health Organization says that three out of every 100 people are "electrosensitive," the paper reports.

In Britain, a lawmaker from the wireless city of Norwich is calling for an official inquiry into WiFi's risks and the nation's Professional Association of Teachers is lobbying Britain's education secretary for one, as well.

"I am concerned that so many wireless networks are being installed in schools and colleges without any understanding of the possible long-term consequences," said Philip Parkin, the association's general secretary. "The proliferation of wireless networks could be having serious implications for the health of some staff and pupils without the cause being recognized."

And how dangerous is this cloud of "evil electromagnetic radiation"?

Put it this way: have you ever heard of anyone "dying by Internet" or "dying by cellphone"?

Didn't think so.

I still shudder to think about what kind of cooked brain with a government title would pay money towards this, as Joe Scarborough calls it, "capital offense."

I Gotta Get A Grant IV - The Return

(Stolen from RNS)

A 2006 study by Clemson University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study by the American Beer Institute found that American’s drink an average of 22 Gallons of beer per year.

That means, on average, Americans get 41 MPG.

Not bad!

I Gotta Get A Grant III - Return Of The Blazing Obvious

(found at http://blisteringcheese.com/index.php)

In another stunning example of "No shit, Sherlock??", "health experts", after curing cancer, AIDS, ebola and Capt. Tripps, have found themselves with nothing to do. So they take on the difficult task of figuring out why obese people have a harder time dealing with hot weather than thin people.

"ATLANTA - Obese people face a higher risk of passing out — or worse — during heat waves, some health experts say. Layers of fat make it extra difficult for a body to dissipate heat, or to move to a cool location. Add in diabetic dehydration and other conditions common in the obese, and it's a recipe for trouble."

Now, anybody with more than two brain cells to rub together knows body fat is a thermal insulator, I dare you to show me a skinny Eskimo. It's the reason that I can go to the curb and get the paper wearing shorts and a t-shirt when it's 10 degrees outside with 6" of snow on the ground while a skinny fucker will warm up their car for 30 minutes and drive to the curb to get theirs.

And if you are such a disgusting fat-body slug that you have trouble moving to a cool location, it's time for you to put down the case of Ding-Dongs and get your fat fucking ass off the couch and go chase the lawnmower around the yard a few times.

Back in the Pre-Bizzaro days I grew up in, my folks quickly tired of three wild animals tearing around inside the house and would promptly toss our asses outside, 104 in the shade or not. So for us it was adapt to the heat and drink from the hose or dry up and blow away.

Today, you show me a fat kid, and I'll show you a kid with a PC, Playstation and snack bar in their room. Used to be, getting sent to your room was punishment. Now it's been reversed. I have a friend who tells his kids to "Go outside" when they are screwing up, and they whine about it. No shit, I've seen 'em do it. Me, I'd have been out the door like a shot.

I heard a joke about "experts" a long time ago, something about an "ex-" being something that was no longer needed, and a "spert" is just a drip under pressure...

I Gotta Get A Grant II : The Sequel

From http://www.townhall.com/opinion/columns/jonahgoldberg/2006/05/12/197117.html comes a report of another band of intrepid researchers, boldly spending untold amounts of money to study things that are glaringly obvious to those of us who grew up back before this country turned into Bizzaro World...

"The study by psychologists at Knox College in Galesburg, Ill., enrolled 30 men and measured the testosterone levels in their saliva. Then the men were divided and given separate tasks. One group was asked to take apart and reassemble a large handgun and then write down instructions on how to put it together. The other group was asked to do the same with the game Mouse Trap.

Afterward, those who handled the gun showed a jump in testosterone levels. Subjects were then asked to drink a cup of water with hot sauce in it and then prepare a similar drink for someone else. Those who handled the gun were more likely to add more hot sauce than those who didn't. This means, according to the paper, that "handling a gun stirs a hormonal reaction in men that primes them for aggression."...

No shit Sherlock... I get a charge just THINKING about my guns, my P90 .45ACP in particular... Read "Garden Blogging", most of my garden is chile peppers, so you know I dig the hot stuff... I have every variety of Tabasco Sauce in my cupboard... Hell I've even heard of guys who toss one off lubed w/ hot sauce while they look at gun mags... (I said I've HEARD of them, I've burned Bobo too many times by accident after slicing peppers to intentionally "Kick it up a notch"...)

The story comes from the New York Times, so it's slant is "guns are bad", but being a Pre-Bizzaro Child, I know better. Guns are tools, just like hammers, it is PEOPLE who put them to good or evil. Even after the added testosterone dump of running thru a couple of hundred rounds, field-stripping and cleaning and re-assembling my P90, and doing half a dozen Hot Shots, straight up, (no pussy water in my Tabasco) I still have no desire to go out and randomly shoot someone. (I admit, sometimes the desire to DELIBERATELY shoot some asshole waste of oxygen who desperately deserves it is a bit hard to choke down)

"Anyway, every day we hear about new studies "revealing" what should have been obvious to sentient beings for generations. A few recent headlines: "Fat kids become fat adults, says new study," "Housewives not as desperate as singles over 40, a new study finds," "Drowsiness, inattention play big role in car accidents, study finds." Every few months, newspapers breathlessly report that - surprise! - men and women are different, children are impressionable, and poisons are bad for you. What next? "Research shows wolverines don't like to be teased"? or "Running with scissors inadvisable, Mayo Clinic reports"?

Folk wisdom has more scientific rigor than we give it credit for. Your grandmother didn't need a double-blind study to tell you that you should wash your hands after you go to the bathroom. And I don't need some paper to tell me that a man will get a small hormonal buzz from getting to play with a gun while the guy next to him is stuck with a lame board game."

It's funny... the deeper we get into the "Information Age", the stupider people seem to get...

I Gotta Get A Grant

From Foxnews.com comes a report that the sky is blue, water is wet, and bats use SONAR to track their prey...

From The World Book Encyclopedia, circa 1969 and personal scientific obervation made by my two brothers and me as we stood under the pole-light in the driveway tossing pebbles into the air for the bats that lived in the barn to chase as they snagged the bugs swarming around the light when we was kids...

No, wait, that's not it... Some egghead at U. of MD. got a grant to make infrared video and computer animations of bats chasing bugs at night. "A new study reveals bats zero in on a target using techniques similar to those employed by a guided missile."

No shit, Sherlock... Target tracking system+trajetory-change calculating computer= Target interception. But it would be more accurate to say "torpedo" instead of "guided missile", 'cuz bats use SONAR as oppopsed to RADAR.

I coulda told them this 30 years ago. Amazing what you can learn if you turn off IQ sapping shit like American Idiot (diarrhea be upon it) and open a book once in a while...

Now I'm off to email Prof. Egghead and crew to let them know I'll be expecting a check of my cut of the loot...