Wendsday Weird Al - Like A Surgeon
Went to see the Doc last Monday to get refills on my 'scripts and I get referred to a surgeon because I've developed an umbilical hernia. That's when a loop of the small intestine pushes through the ring of muscle behind the navel and turns your innie into an outtie.
So Friday, I go to the surgeon's office and he has me lay back on the exam table and without telling me what's about to happen, he proceeds to see if he can reduce the hernia by jamming his finger into my navel, and asking, "Have you been having any discomfort or pain with this??" And I'm like, "Well, not until about 10 seconds or so ago, right now it's pretty un-fucking-comfortable."
As a former medic, I understand that some pain is often necessary during an exam, so on the rare occasions I go to a Doc, I try to be a cooperative patient. But, DAMN, warn a nigga before you try to poke his spine thru his belly button...
So after about 15-20 seconds of his unannounced painful probing trying to determine how big the hole is, and my getting more tense and uncomfortable by the second, I finally give in to instinct and push his hand away.
He tells me that I shouldn't push his hand away, and I tell him, "I know that, but give me a second to relax and prepare before you start and this will go a lot smoother." So he does, I take a few deep breaths and give him the go ahead. As predicted, I am able to tolerate the prodding and probing and he is able to get a handle on things.
He tells me that I have a hole in my abdominal wall about an inch in diameter. And that I should get it repaired A.S.A.P. to head off a potential strangulated hernia, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like... the muscles around the loop of intestine clamps down on it and shuts off the flow of blood and that equals "BAD NEWS". If that happens, it's intense pain and a trip to emergency surgery at best.
So I'm scheduled to report to the hospital at 0630 tomorrow to check in. It's gonna be laparoscopic surgery, so only four small incisions to pull the loop back to where it should be and close the hole, and to insert a patch behind my navel to prevent it from happening again. Four small incisions means less pain and faster recovery and healing times.
The downside is that it's gonna be done under general anesthesia, and that means I wake up with the sore throat from hell from being 'tubed while I'm under. Depending on how I feel, I'll be back as soon as I can with an A.A.R., probably Friday.
So now I'm gonna turn you over to Dr. Yankovic's tender mercies...