29 May 2007

Men's Rules

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules:
Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and if one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

or Computers

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

28 May 2007

Nut Cracker, Sweet!!

Between his fetish and the bike riding, maybe his junk will short circuit before he can infect mankind with his DNA...

GUELPH, Ont. (CP) - Police in Guelph, Ont., are looking for a man who allegedly approached women and asked them to kick him in the groin.

Three women reported similar incidents to police and two of the women reported the suspect was on a bicycle. The various incidents allegedly occurred over the last two months. The suspect is described as white, in his early twenties, with a brown goatee and a large gap between his front teeth.

None of the women reported injuries.

27 May 2007

From The Dept. Of Gravity Sucks

Don't you just hate it when your ride ain't running right so you take it to the shop, drop the better part of a C-note to get it checked and the tech can't find anything wrong, but a little while later it starts acting screwy again??

Be glad your ride ain't a plane...

A PRELIMINARY investigation into a plane crash in central Queensland last year that killed three people has found the plane had experienced ongoing engine problems.
The light plane crashed at a cattle property near Raglan, 50km north of Gladstone, on October 31 last year.

The crash claimed the lives of all three men on board - Rockhampton pilot Brendon Rassie, 47, Luke Straatmans, 22, from Boyne Island, and Keith Suter, 33, from Gladstone.

An interim report from the Australian Transport Safety Bureau (ATSB) released today failed to find the cause of the crash, but outlined ongoing problems with one of the plane's engines.

It found the Piper Chieftain's right engine had failed to start on several occasions in the weeks before the crash.

However, on the morning of October 31 an engineer inspected the engine and a test flight showed it was functioning properly.

24 May 2007

Roy Beck, immigration, and gumballs

Watch this. Trust me.


22 May 2007

Zombie Jams

While Zombies are more dangerous to your physical well being than Hippies (you know, that whole eat your brain thing...), Zombies are easier to deal with 'cause you can just shoot them, there's stupid laws prohibiting you from shooting Hippies.

I can't get my head around the logic of this, I mean they share several of the same characteristics, ill-kempt, bad hair, bad odor, total lack of understanding of the reality around them, don't contribute to society, unless a Zombie eats a Hippie....(I would call that a contribution...)

But now along comes Zombie Hippies in a Band, along with a special guest star dancer... (Extra points if you can guess who she is, should be a "No Brainer" if you are a Zombie movie fan...)


The "Hippie Alert" Warning Log

If you think you're dealing with a hippie, here are some warning signs:
  • Males will have long hair draping down both sides, or in the form of a ponytail.
  • You really can't tell much about a female by her hair, but surefire signs of a hippie include lip, nose, or other body piercings. The person will also be extremely attractive.
  • The person is very popular; i.e. a celebrity, such as a movie, television, or theater star.
  • The person will very frequently contradict themselves.
  • The person will use the following words frequently in their sentences; "fairness", "less fortunate", "choices", "democracy", and - this is a must - "FAIR SHARE".
  • Emos, goths, punks, stoners, and musicians (and all five in one!) will almost certainly be liberal. (This is not to group them all into one category, but rather, to make clear their political leanings.)
  • If a student, the person plans to obtain a Ph.D, rather than a degree in a certain trade or career.
  • Though the person will frequently talk of happiness, the person is frequently unhappy (and, in fact, will be angry and hateful towards others).
  • The person will frequently talk of environmental protection and animal rights...
  • ...when in fact, that same person will run screaming from the animals that they wish to protect, lest he/she be pulled into their maws.
  • Name-calling.
  • The person will not be remorseful of his or her own vices, but will criticize you of yours at any given moment (and only yours).
  • Mentioning "capitalism", "free enterprise", or "income based on effort" will cut off the person's circulation.
  • Vegetarianism is not a sign... but sorry, vegans, you're not excluded from this list. Anybody who deprives themselves of any animal product is almost certainly a hippie.
  • If you did not know of the person's political standing, and he or she did not know of yours, you would be very close friends/lovers/spouses.


21 May 2007

Monday Motivation

In light of the amnesty bill now working it's way thru our "Fuck You Joe American" government, I thought this would be appropriate...


18 May 2007

From The Dept. Of You Have To Be Fucking Kidding Me

These fuckers need to get over themselves and get laid more often.

Islamic bicycle...

TEHRAN: Iran is to start manufacturing "Islamic bicycles" for women that conceal their figure.

"This bike has a cabin which conceals half of the cyclist's body," said Elaheh Sofali, an architect of the project. "It would encourage women's sports."

Faezeh Hashemi, a daughter of former president Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, was instrumental in encouraging women to take to the saddle in the 1990s when she was in charge of women's participation in the Olympics.

But she was opposed by Islamic hardliners.

This was the first thing that ran thru my mind when I read the article...


17 May 2007

Music To Pole Dance By - Wild Thing

This one goes out to all ex-wives... Especially the cold blooded cunts that use our children as weapons against us... Fuck all you bitches.


16 May 2007

Music To Pole Dance By - Girls, Girls, Girls

Can't have Titty Bar Tunes without including the ultimate Pole Dance Tune...


Wednesday Weird Al - I'll Sue You

This one goes out to the ignorant twat who didn't remember that Mickey D's coffee can melt lead, the "Flying Imams" and The Six Dix who are pissed that Joe American is watching their goat raping asses and ain't gonna let them pull no shit and any other waste of DNA that wants to clog our court system with bullshit cash grab cases that would never see the light of day if we had a "Loser Pays" system in place...

Spiderman VS Superman III - I Got A Rock

15 May 2007

Cuisine So Easy A Caveman Can Do It

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine crap...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:


More routine crap....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:


More routine mickey mouse crap....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....


12 May 2007

How Many Beans Fit In A Can??

I count at least a dozen...

Chris Rock On Niggers

It is my experience that "Nigger" is an attitude, not a skin color, and is totally different from "Nigga", which is a term of endearment that I use for both my white and black friends and they use for me.

Here, Chris Rock expounds on the differences between the two and does it a hell of a lot funnier than I can.

And if a 43 year old white man saying nigger offends you, fuck off. It's a word in the english language and I can use it if I choose to, and the more offended you get at that the more I am likely to use it.

11 May 2007

7080 - Fire

I'm a huge fan of K-Pop, K-Rock, and other Korean forms of music. However, no song I have listened to has ever sounded so "classic" as Fire by 7080.


10 May 2007

Rodney Carrington - Show Them To Me

A workable plan for peace in our time...

09 May 2007

Spiderman VS Superman II - Who's Your Daddy

07 May 2007

Zdravstvuite Tovarich

(found at Princess Natasha's place)

I knew my preference for voda wasn't just a fluke... Although my bloodline is Scotch/Irish - Fwench (spit), I always knew that I was Russian at heart. I fit 75 - 80% of the following criteria:

You Know You Are Russian When:

1. You had to share a room until you were 21.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the airport.
4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it s normal.
5. All your children have nicknames, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
6. You know someone with 20 kids
7. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone’s house.
8. You can fit 10 people into a civic
9. Your parents never throw anything away and if you by some chance manage to get something to make it to the garbage can… it mysteriously appears back where it was again.
10. You have lace curtains.
11. You have lace tablecloths.
12. You have or had rugs on your walls.
13. Your mom tells you you’re too skinny even though your 30 pounds overweight.
14. Girls can't have boyfriends when they are 17 but they have to be married at 18.
15. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think but they won’t let you do certain things because of what other ‘brat’ya’ and ’sestri’ will think.
16. You or your relatives have at least five gold teeth in their mouth.
17. Either you or 40 of your relatives drive a civic, eclipse, camry, bmw or accord.
18. Your car windows are tinted twice the legal limit.
19. Going over 100 mph is routine.
20. You’re driving on 2 tickets and don’t remember what your license looks like.
21. You’ve been driving without a license for 2 years.
22. You say “lets meet at 9″, you actually mean “I’ll wake up at 9, take a shower, eat, watch tv and meet you at 12″.
23. You stand around in circles of friends for an hour deciding what to do.
24. After leaving a restaurant, it actually means you’re going outside to the parking lot to talk for another hour.
25. Your uncle/dad fixes cars from the auction.
26. You drive a car bought from an auction. (which u will later sell and make a hefty profit off of unsuspecting American buyers).
27. You know you're a new Russian immigrant if you wear church shoes with jeans, shorts, or slacks… while playing volleyball.
28. You know you are a new Russian immigrant if you tuck your shirt in your shorts.
29. At least 5 of your relatives are named Volodia, Yura, Olya, Oksana, Nataliya or Tanya
30. All of your CDs are burned, or u bought them at a Bazar for 2 bucks a piece.
31. You can make Perogis in 18 different flavors.
32. You get kicked out of every go kart, theme park, and anything potentially dangerous.
33. When you work at construction site.
34. You have five leather jackets and matching gloves.
35. You keep your stash of cash under your mattress instead of a savings account.
36. Twelve of your friends get into a movie with only one ticket.
37. Your house is full of foreign medicine that is probably illegal here.
38. You sing at every party you go to.
39. Your mom recycles plastic cups and plastic plates, and sandwich bags by washing them.
40. You don t know how to use a dishwasher.
41. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
42. Your dad has butchered a pig or lamb.
43. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
44. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils.
45. You eat bread with everything.

Das Vadanya, Comrade.

06 May 2007

Spiderman VS Superman

(A parody of the "I'm a Mac / I'm a PC" commercials.)

05 May 2007

Wikipedia - The dust settles on Goreball Warming

The people have decided after six days of intense debate on the subject. Our favorite admin, jc37, has taken the liberty to reach a compromising close.
The result of the debate was No consensus - First of all, this falls under "Supporter/critic of X", and is not a "not" category per se. Second, whether global warming of any particular type is notable is beyond the scope of this discussion. But even discounting those comments, it still came up No consensus. A remaining main concern is that it's essentially unfair to single out one support/critic category, and not the rest. So I think at this point, the next step, if someone is still interested, would be to nominate all the subcategories of Category:Wikipedians by political issue in one or more group nominations. Otherwise, repeated nominations of these categories are starting to look like WP:SNOW discussions resulting in No consensus/keeps. - jc37 09:50, 5 May 2007 (UTC)
Aye, lads. Team Global Warming Skeptic has survived a potential blow. If they go too, so must all other political issues.

I'm glad there are truly smart people out there on Wikipedia.
Keep per WP:IAR. Though as stated above, this is not a vote, however if we're all voting, then I say that the skeptics shouldn't be silenced like the Church of Global Warming here would like to have done.--Zeeboid 13:43, 1 May 2007 (UTC)

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02 May 2007

New This Season On TNN

(found at The Rott)

Huntin' Feral Afghanis With Billy And Bubba