31 October 2007

WOW !!

So, you think you've got mad shadow puppet skillz??

25 October 2007

Can Crushing Cans

Toby Keith did a song about this place...

Aussie barmaid fined for crushing cans with bare breasts

An Australian barmaid who entertained patrons by crushing beer cans between her bare breasts and hanging spoons off her nipples has been fined, police said Wednesday.

Luana De Faveri, 31, was fined 1,000 dollars (900 US dollars) in the Mandurah Magistrates Court in Western Australia after pleading guilty to two breaches of the Liquor Control Act.

Another barmaid who helped hang spoons on De Faveri's nipples, Tracey Leslie, 43, was fined 500 dollars while the bar manager was fined 1,000 dollars for failing to stop the pair, police said in a statement.

"She was alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences" at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, about 80 kilometres (50 miles) south of Perth in June, police said.

The fines "send a clear message to all licensees in Peel that we will not tolerate this type of behaviour in our licensed premises," said Superintendent David Parkinson of the Peel Police District.

I'll bet you a dozen of Dunkin's best that there were several blue-clad (or whatever color the P.P.D.'s finest wear) eyewitnesses to the alleged racy recycling, up to and including Superintendent Parkinson, until somebody's loose lips sank the good ship "Silly Bar Tricks".

24 October 2007

A Small Ray Of Hope In A Hopelessly Stupid World

Another "modest proposal"
by Justin Jones
Published on: 10/23/07

For a millennium, the world has been plagued with stupid people corrupting society and bastardizing the value of life for all of mankind.

The intellectually handicapped have been reproducing at a substantially greater rate than those with a fully functional brain.

The problem of the unintelligent reproducing is, and has been, a serious threat to society that has gone unchecked for far too long. It is the responsibility of man to solve this problem before a reverse Darwinism takes effect.

It is depressing to think (especially at the high school age) that people with a high IQ are generally stereotyped as "geeks" or "nerds" because they choose to do more intellectually stimulating activities like homework, and reading, instead of those activities preferred by their peers like power lifting, full contact football without head protection, or crushing cans on one's head. So while the intelligent are exiled from the masses, the ignorant are cherished and embraced.

Due to the substantial amount of low IQ reproduction and relatively low amount of high IQ reproduction, the intelligent become fewer and farther between.

Since mankind obviously cannot control itself enough to make strides for the future, the populace spins into an out of control state of reverse Darwinism where the stupid people survive and the smart people perish.

Some form of action must be taken, one which can be governed effectively and immediately to pull a populace from a malevolent tailspin toward disaster.

First off, charity should be outlawed. No longer should people be allowed to use their children as a source of income. People who cannot afford to have kids simply should not have kids. Unemployment benefits also must be disbanded — go get a job. That isn't to say those with disabilities should not be helped, but not with handouts, just a hand. One of the greatest minds of the century, Stephen Hawking, is immobile. Yet the courageous Mr. Hawking still manages to make strides in the areas of physics, despite being confined to his wheelchair.

Second, the government should compile a standardized test to thoroughly analyze any and all 5th grade students in the country for IQ levels. Based on the results of the test, those who perform in the bottom 25 percent should be executed. The executions will not be inhumane; simple lethal injections while one sleeps would be sufficient. With the bottom of every class systematically removed, over time the world would inevitably thrive and prosper like never before.

It is true that, without the unintelligent, there will be no one to mess up one's order at the local fast food joint, or people on the news to give one something humorous to talk about at the water cooler at work the next morning, but that is a sacrifice, as a race, that simply must be made.

21 October 2007

Not That I give A Fuck...

...what somebody names an album, but insinuating that a word is verboten is the quickest way to get me to hammer you between the eyes with it. Words are words and they are all fair game.

Nas confirms album title will be epithet

The rapper told MTV News that he would indeed be naming his new album after the N-word. And he denied earlier reports that the album's title would be spelled "N(igg)a," considered in some circles a less inflammatory epithet. He said the disc is due out Dec. 11.

"We're taking power from the word," he added. "No disrespect to none of them who were part of the civil rights movement, but some ... in the streets don't know who (civil rights activist) Medgar Evers was ... they know who Nas is," the rapper said, referring to the civil rights leader slain in the 1960s.

"And to my older people who don't know who Nas is and who don't know what a street disciple is, stay outta this (expletive) conversation. We'll talk to you when we're ready. Right now, we're on a whole new movement. We're taking power from that word."

Actually heard on my High School bus route:

"Yo, nigger!! Sit your monkey ass down, boy!!"

Words that would get a honkey drawn and quartered, boiled in oil and burned at the stake by the PC-police as well as sued by some bottom feeding lawyer crying, "RACISM!!!"

I hear nigger more in a 15 minute bus route than I ever heard in ALL of Richard Pryor's albums. Richard was "taking power from the word" as well, but IMO, it's just they can do something freely in any company that whitey would wind up getting his tit in a wringer for.

If saying nigger gives you power, I drive the bus for Sky High.

Nigger is an attitude, not a skin color. If you act like one, don't act offended when you get called one. Pull your fucking pants up, we don't wanna see your skid marks. Let go of your dick, it ain't going anywhere. And stop shuffling around like an ape, you're a human being.

And that goes for all you Vanilla Ice knockoffs, too.


20 October 2007

The Ungrateful Bastard Of The Year Award Goes To...

...Tajuan Bullock, for bitching about being able to breath instead of having a structurally superfluous asshole in his forehead.

MONTGOMERY, Ala. - A burglar in Montgomery chose the wrong family to mess with, literally. Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon returned home on Tuesday after a week away to find that thieves had emptied almost everything the family of five owned, Tiffany McKinnon said through tears.

"Tears just rolled down my face as I walked in and saw everything gone and piles of trash all over my home," she said.

Adrian McKinnon sent his wife to see her sister while he inspected the piles left behind. As he walked back into the sunroom, a man walked through the back door straight into him, Tiffany McKinnon told the Montgomery Advertiser in a story Thursday.

"My husband Adrian caught the thief red-handed in our home," she said. "And what is even crazier, the man even had my husband's hat sitting right on his head."

Adrian McKinnon held the suspect, 33-year-old Tajuan Bullock, at gunpoint and told him to sit on the floor until he decided what to do.

"We made this man clean up all the mess he made, piles of stuff, he had thrown out of my drawers and cabinets onto the floor," Tiffany McKinnon said.

When police arrived, Bullock complained about being forced to clean the home at gunpoint.

"This man had the nerve to raise sand about us making him clean up the mess he made in my house," she said. "The police officer laughed at him when he complained and said anybody else would have shot him dead."

Capt. Huey Thornton, a police spokesman, said police arrested Bullock at 2 p.m. Tuesday on burglary and theft charges. He was being held in the Montgomery County Detention Facility on a $30,000 bond.

"The victims were lucky in this case to be able to catch the suspect in the act and hold him until police arrived," Thornton said.


18 October 2007

"It's A Wonder My Guts Don't Fall Out...

...The Ol' Man lost his watch in there one time. When we got it out it was still working. It took a dickin' and was still ticking!!"

13 October 2007

My Wife, My Woman, My Life, My Queen

09 October 2007

The Fall Of Rome

I'm still alive.

I have decided that it is a battle of wills, and they will lose. In fact, today I was asked if I was gonna be the driver for the rest of the year. When I replied in the affirmative, another kid said he didn't think I'd make it. But he's not one of my headaches.

Several of my worst headaches are in "The Cooler", as Col. Klink would say. They are dealing with alternative transportation until January.

I'm making progress. Today at the end of the route, some of the better behaved (read: Roman) kids went thru the bus and put my windows up. And when I asked the last kid to get off if things seemed better than when she started riding, she said, "Yes, lots better."

Last week, two of my Visigoths were cooling a fight between two of the other Visigoths, instead of joining in. They kept it from coming to blows. Shocked the hell outta me.

I've figured out that most of the problems are from one group of Visigoths agitating another. So I've revised the route so that the two are in proximity for the minimum amount of time possible, and things are a lot better. Some of the Roman kids actually have been asking me if I'm gonna run the route the new way "to get the bad kids off quicker". Seems the least I can do for them and my nerves.

I have been referring to them as "heathens" at the garage, but after some reflection, I've decided that "Visigoths" is more accurate. In short, the Visigoths were barbaric tribes that brought about the final downfall of the Roman Empire. That knowledge coupled with the statement that "the children are our future", led me to the choice of that term.

If these children are our future, as they say in ebonics, "We be fucked..."