The "Hippie Alert" Warning Log

If you think you're dealing with a hippie, here are some warning signs:

• Males will have long hair draping down both sides, or in the form of a ponytail.
• You really can't tell much about a female by her hair, but surefire signs of a hippie include lip, nose, or other body piercings. The person will also be extremely attractive.
• The person is very popular; i.e. a celebrity, such as a movie, television, or theater star.
• The person will very frequently contradict themselves.
• The person will use the following words frequently in their sentences; "fairness", "less fortunate", "choices", "democracy", and - this is a must - "FAIR SHARE".
• Emos, goths, punks, stoners, and musicians (and all five in one!) will almost certainly be liberal. (This is not to group them all into one category, but rather, to make clear their political leanings.)
• If a student, the person plans to obtain a Ph.D, rather than a degree in a certain trade or career.
  
• Though the person will frequently talk of happiness, the person is frequently unhappy (and, in fact, will be angry and hateful towards others).
• The person will frequently talk of environmental protection and animal rights...
• ...when in fact, that same person will run screaming from the animals that they wish to protect, lest he/she be pulled into their maws.
• Name-calling.
• The person will not be remorseful of his or her own vices, but will criticize you of yours at any given moment (and only yours).
• Mentioning "capitalism", "free enterprise", or "income based on effort" will cut off the person's circulation.
• Vegetarianism is not a sign... but sorry, vegans, you're not excluded from this list. Anybody who deprives themselves of any animal product is almost certainly a hippie.
  
• If you did not know of the person's political standing, and he or she did not know of yours, you would be very close friends/lovers/spouses.