Survivor: Zombie Apocalypse

I was over at southparkpundit, a place I haven't been in a while, and while catching up on his posts, found this from the day before Halloween, but since the dead can not be counted on to only come on that day, being prepared for the zombie hordes should be a daily thing. This survival guide is a good primer if you are to keep you and yours from becoming zombie chow.

I damn near forgot that tomorrow is Halloween, and we all know what that means. There is a distinctly minor chance that the undead will rise and walk the earth tomorrow. In the unlikely event of this inevitibility, there are a few things that I know that you should know also. After all, if you’re reading this, I like you and want you to survive.

First, there is more to repelling the undead armies than guns. You need bullets as well. Lots and lots of bullets. Enough to protect yourself and still use some in the barter system that will spring up after the lands have been swept free of the shambling masses.

Second, plan ahead. You’ve got until tomorrow night, so I don’t expect much, but at least gas up the truck, make sure the dirt bikes are running, lube your guns, stockpile some water and canned goods and generally get ready to either bail out or hunker down. Just don’t try to do both - hunkering out and bailing down have gotten people eaten in previous undead encounters.

Third, be mobile. Do not get caught by the first of the shuffling horde while you’re enjoying a nice candelit bath. You’re better than that. Have a pack with at least two days worth of beans, bullets and band-aids so you can move at a moments notice. Have a weeks supply in your vehicle, and a months worth in your shelter, be that your home, office, mistress’s apartment…wherever.

Fourthly, have the tools available to go wherever you need to. A small tool kit, some electrical tape, bolt cutters and a 30″ pry bar will get you further than your Visa will the day after tomorrow. Use your tools to procure transport, shelter and defensive positions. Add a lock and some locking carabiners to your kit to secure positions - the lock for when you leave, and the ‘biners for securing doors once inside. And theres the added benefit of being able to use the pry bar as a weapon if need be.

Fifthest, be prepared. Don’t be “that guy” in the movies who puts his gun down on a table, walks to the other side of the room and gets attacked. What’re you, stupid? Carry a gun. Carry two. Carry one for every 35lbs of body weight you carry. Make sure you can use them, as you may have to blast the snapping jaws of a zombified schoolteacher at a moments notice.

These are basic guidelines that you may use to help survive. I’ve also come up with some other rules that I will follow which you may find helpful.

* The woman/man/child with the bite mark on their arm is going to get a bullet in their head. Deal with it and move on.
* Anyone too incompetent to stand guard well is shot. For a second offense, they’re killed.
* I will never allow the dumbest/cutest/craziest member of my group to hold anything that is absolutely crucial to survival. Instead, they will be given something shiny and told it is crucial. I will keep the real thing.
* Those who insist on venturing out, looking for help, in the midst of an undead onslaught are to be allowed to go. They are obviously stupid, and I don’t want their genes polluting the progeny I will create if/when I survive.
* If a location looks too good to be true, it is.
* Boats sink, cars break down, bikes break, but secluded mountain homes last forever.
* When you recognize one of the undead as a former friend/lover/family member, the humane thing to do is to feed them the idiots in your group.
* If any opposition forces (alive) are encountered, we will attempt to reason with them while half of our group sneaks up and kills them.
* It is not OK to snipe zombies from the roof of our darkened hideout. There is a reason we’re being quiet, numbnuts.
* Explosives work both ways. Avoid when possible.
* No raping/beating/befriending/capturing zombies. Kill them and move on.
* In situations requiring stealth, children and easily frightened adults will have their mouths taped shut. Clumsy people will not be allowed to go with us into glass factories, wind chime test facilities or china shops.
* The one stranger that no one knows is bad news - there is a reason that everyone he knew before is dead, and its likely his fault. He shall be known as “zombait.”
* Always save one bullet for yourself, and make it a big one - don’t mess this part up.

Thats pretty much it, folks. Make sure that you’ve got everything under control before it happens. Keep tuned to the radio and television all day tomorrow (call in sick if you have to) for developments. Remember, key words like “deranged”, “psychotic”, “cannibal”, “police shooting” and “bloodbath” used in the news tomorrow are going to be the opening notes of the greatest battle ever. Call your loved ones, bolt the doors and barricade the windows if the stories are being reported within fifteen miles of your location. If they are within 30 miles of you, load up and beat a retreat into the nearest inhospitable terrain you can find. If your first indication of a problem is the sounds of moaning and breaking glass, you’re fucked.